I am a Freak.

Why am I such a weirdo? Seriously, it's been 2 weekends in a row where I decide not to sleep at all. Last weekend I was at my brother's place, we went to see Star Wars Ep 3, then we had a few beers, and the next thing I know it's morning and we're going for breakfast. We didn't sleep at all (I guess we had a lot to say to each other). I love these "family reunions"... since I live quite far away from my brother and parents, it doesn't happen as often as I'd like...
This weekend, I thought I would be alone and quiet.... until I received that email about my long-lost friend from Vanuatu. So of course I welcomed him, we went out in a very enjoyable establishment, and now it is 05:23 sunday morning, I haven't slept since friday morning, but hey, I'm young, I can handle it... I hope!
And that is where I start to lose any sense of logic and start saying all those weird things that not many people enjoy...
Once upon a time there was a little boy who didn't enjoy the company of his family. They always treated him badly, so one day he decided to walk away, to travel to another place. His luggage was light, and swift was his pace. Then he realized he forgot his handkerchief, which was usually hidden in his right jacket pocket... (he was quite ashamed of his most natural bodily functions...)But since he was already so far away from home, he decided to use his left sock (which wasn't as smelly as the other one) to wipe his nose. And this is where it gets very disturbing.
That left sock actually belonged to the right foot. I know, it is a very difficult concept to grasp, but this sock actually managed to fit BOTH feet... wow, what are they going to invent next...
So here I am, contemplating that bizarre sock, when a hairless baboon barged in and told me I couldn't sing if my life depended on it.
And that's when I woke up. I knew I was awake when I saw that yellow goblin spanking this tiny horse with a cute wooden staff... (it had butterflies engraved on the handle)
But the little boy was still waiting for me to finish his story, because since I'm inventing it from scratch, he doesn't have a clue on what he's supposed to do next.
It is a weird feeling to have so much power. So I'll type what he probably wants anyway: he found a nice mango tree, took off his dirty socks and climbed to the highest branch where he found true happiness: a bottomless keg of Guinness.

Hasta la vista,

Tata.

The Miracle of modern communications...

Yesterday I found yet another person who has seen the Light: one of my old friends is a devoted Guinness worshiper! I feel like we're in a cult that reaches in the farthest parts of the world... We have the secret handshake and all, it's great... :)
No but seriously, I'm amazed at what can happen nowadays with the incredible means of communication that are available to us. Eight years ago, I was in Vanuatu (you don't know what that is? Look it up...) and I had some very good friends. But being lazy, and also so far away from each other, it wasn't easy to keep in touch after we got separated. So basically I lost all contact with my friends about eight years ago.
Last week, I received an email at work from one of those friends! He lives in France, but is currently working in the United States for the summer. We exchanged a couple of emails and decided that he should definitely come see me. So now here he is, and after all these years, we still say the same dumb things and laugh at the same dumb jokes... It's great! Although life has taken us in very different directions, we still manage to have fun.
But the best thing is he loves Guinness. So I have to go buy some more, a lot more.

Cheers,

Tata

I Have A Theory

Brace yourselves for impact, this one is going to change forever the way we look at migrating koalas. So you thought you knew everything about those furry creatures, didn't you? You thought they were migrating once a year to a better, more suitable environment. And you thought that only the sexiest ones got laid. Well switch your grey sponge to learning mode. I am your discovery channel. Without the lies.
Ah, I see some of you scratching your bald heads... But it is true: Discovery channel is actually a huge government conspiracy to undermine the animal kingdom's credibility. They only show half-witted monkeys masturbating frantically, or even worse elephants stomping on red mushrooms. How would you react if we went into an asylum, filmed a bunch of mentally-challenged people and sent the tape to our nearest alien neighbors? You'd be pissed off! Well that's exactly what the Discovery Channel is doing. They don't want you to know that most animals are actually way smarter than all of us combined, and they certainly don't want us to know that ugly koalas are migrating to Canada each year to get laid. Because everybody knows that Canada has the most beautiful ladies in the world, human and animal.
Now please excuse me, I have to go..... study. (Yes, that should convince them... What? they can read between parenthesis? Oops....)

Well until next time,

Tata

Well, too bad for that good idea...

I was just reading Any Flower's blog when I realised I completely forgot about that short story contest... I really won't have time to write something in a week, especially this week... One of my friend is visiting me from USA... He's French, I met him in Vanuatu and we lost contact 8 years ago... Weird huh?
So there it is, sorry I can't participate in the contest, and I will try and make up for it in more and more bizarre blogs!

Tata

Yay me!

For those who were actually worried (I know I wasn't...), my recovery is going very well. I don't need crutches anymore, and I expect to be walking normally again by monday. I guess the care of those three lovely ladies did me a lot more good than I thought!
Ok, now that this is out of the way, allow me to ramble on about something that has been bothering me for a while now. Think about the last conversation you had with someone you know, someone you're used to. What did it feel like? Was it a two-way discussion, or two monologues? Am I being paranoid? Am I the only one people cut off in the middle of a sentence? And most important, am I the only one who can't stand it? Anyway I probably shouldn't get into this subject, it's boring and it's not going to help me with my short temper... So I'll go back to my music, its soothing effect works miracles!
And by the way for you weirdos who are anxious to read my usual nonsense, don't worry, a big one is coming! And I'm also working on that short story you wanted, Yofed. So y'all keep your panties on. Except you, Angelina Jolie. You can take them off, I won't mind.

Cheers mates,

Tata

My dearest condoleances to my hopes and dreams...

Today I twisted my ankle, once again. It's been 4 times now, and I'm getting sick of it. Why can't that stupid bone just break, like any other person's bones? The doctor clearly told me that if it had broken, maybe the recovery would have been a bit longer, but at least my ankle would be strong and steady again. But every time that stupid thing twists, it gets worse. I should definitely stop drinking milk.
Speaking of which, babies have it good... They are cared for all day long, AND they get to see nice big breasts. Well tonight I almost felt like a baby; I got cared for by three beautiful women (yes, three!), but unfortunately I didn't get to see breasts... Hence the title of this post. But I have to admit I didn't try that hard... I mostly enjoyed having my meal cooked and served while I was sipping on a rather nice Australian wine!
Now since women can't keep this kind of information to themselves, I'm quite sure one of the lovely ladies who kindly changed her plans and came to my place tonight will hear about this post and then I will get into some kind of trouble, but hey, it was worth it :)

Until next time,

Tata

Y'a des coups de pied au cul qui s'perdent...

Je suis intrigué.
Certaines personnes ne semblent pas s'apercevoir que le manque de respect est une offense grave, et qu'elle devrait être sévèrement punie. Encore aujourd'hui, par exemple: je descend joyeusement au sous-sol pour me réjouir le palais d'une bonne Guinness bien froide, j'ouvre la porte du frigo, tend la main vers la tablette ou se trouve normalement ma provision d'or noir, et que vois-je au lieu? Deux ou trois malheureuses bouteilles de Molson Dry. J'ai d'abord cru à une blague du style "caméra cachée", mais, après m'être assuré qu'aucune caméra ne filmait la scène, j'ai dû me rendre à l'évidence: un de mes invités d'hier soir s'est permis de sortir mon élixir afin de faire de la place pour sa pis... boisson. Dans certains pays, je suis certain que cela mérite une punition assez douloureuse...
Voici une autre anecdote, probablement plus pénible à lire, alors les personnes agées et ceux qui sont porté aux malaises cardiaques, je vous prierais d'arrêter de lire...
Me voici donc dans ce que je croyais être un pub respectable, assis au bar en bonne compagnie et dégustant une Guinness avec un verre de Bushmill's. L'ambiance était plutôt calme, la musique jouait en arrière-plan, et le service était bon. A ce point je doit mentionner que je n'avais bu qu'une seule Guinness. Je demande donc au serveur de m'en apporter une autre, quand il m'annonce avec un air à peine gêné qu'il n'y en a plus, qu'ils ont vidé le tonneau et qu'il n'y en a pas d'autre. Grâce à mon sang-froid légendaire j'ai réussi à ne pas m'évanouir: je suis resté calme, et malgré un léger trépignement dans mes poings, je suis sagement sorti de cet établissement maudit.
Je ne demande à personne de vouer un culte à la Guinness. Je ne demande à personne de sacrifier des animaux pour avoir un verre de Guinness. Je n'exigerais à personne de se prosterner devant moi après leur avoir offert une Guinness.
Non, tout ce que je demande est de respecter ce qui n'est plus seulement une bière, ce qui a dépassé le simple statut de boisson enivrante. La Guinness est une institution partout au monde. Nul autre liquide ne jouit d'une réputation aussi impressionnante.
Live long and prosper.

Tata

You call that a storm?

Today was The Day.
I told everyone I know (at least those who live within a 50 km radius...) that whatever plans they had could be forgotten, because I was hosting a BBQ frenzy at my house tonight. So of course, being single and all, I kinda forgot that people actually have something else to do besides waiting for me to ask them over for supper... so I got turned down by most. But a few very considerate friends agreed to bless me with their presence, and so I went to the nearest meat pick-up facility, happy as a gecko who just got his recently severed tail sewn back on.
But as I emerged from this temple of Meat, a drop of some strange substance that vaguely felt like beer, but much weaker, much lighter, fell on my scalp. I guess a trendy way to call that stuff would be "water" (avec le foulard d'un bord pis le toupet de l'autre...) ... Can you believe that some people actually ingest it? Really! I'm not horsing around! And there I was thinking that the japanese were really f... messed up with their crazy game shows... But let's get back on track, shall we?
So that drop of "water" (that's what the government wants you to think it is, they don't want you to know it's actually a new secret weapon to exterminate the Irish...) made me remember that weather forecast I saw this morning... So for once they guessed it right. Bravo. Give MeteoMedia another Oscar, or somethin'.
Wow, do I have bitterness in me or what? Where did that come from? Seriously, I have no idea. And to be perfectly honest, I don't think I like it...
Once again I stumbled off topic... It was raining. And I mean hard. I was afraid for my poor little trees that just got out of hibernation! And what about that kick-ass BBQ-on-the-patio-with-girls-and-sunshine I promised? Well, let me tell you I was a bit concerned. But that's when the Aupy gene kicked in: No Son of My Dad will let wimpy rain ruin a perfectly good occasion to put the heat on the meat! And that's when it stopped raining... My friends showed up almost on time, the food was awesome, and the grass on my lawn is greener than my neighbor's.
Wow, talk about an Hollywood ending! It's almost like the plot for Shrek, without the talking Donkey, the bitch... I mean bride-to-be, and you know, pretty much everyhing else....
Did I lose you there? No? Damn, 'cause I'm lost... Would you happen to have a map to my Sanity?
Picture this: I'm listening to Infected Mushroom right now, I'm wearing a Guinness T-Shirt, and I'm drinking Grand Marnier Cuvée Louis-Alexandre. And the Thai dragon on my left shoulder is smiling at me in a strange, perveted way (I think he has a crush on me, but don't tell him I said that, he'll turn red, and for some reason my skin can't handle red ink that well...)
I wish I could've helped you figure out your place in the Universe today, but I can't even figure out where I'm parked right now, even though I'm home and I have a private parking...
I'll work on that for the next few hours, and I'll come back to you with the answer to the oldest question of them all: Dude, where's my car?

So until then,

Tata

Today's a good day to... fire up the BBQ!

As usual, I emerged quite rapidly from that "depression" I talked about in my last post. It is very nice outside today, the sun is shining, the skirts are short and somewhere in the world there is a couple of kangaroos who are going at it like rabbits.
You know what, the more I think about it, the more I notice that the catfish is pretty lame... There should be a rabbitfish. Yep. A fish that copulates like a rabbit. What more could you ask for? You are underwater all the time, which means no mosquito bites, AND you can get busy with the ladies the only way it was meant to be: bodies pressed against each other and none of that "laying eggs and spray them with your man-juice" nonsense...
And that, as they say, is that. One day, I'll be Ruler of the Underworld (you know, the one below ours... China)

So until then,

Tata

Shine on, you crazy House Key!

Oh, how sweet it is to be home after being away for almost a month! I've been away before, but never have I felt so lonely and depressed. I used to be proud to be military, to wear that uniform. Up to a couple of weeks ago, I would've never talked behind anyone's back, I would've never complained about the little "problems" in my life. But something changed. I think I lost that "boyish" innocence and I realized how stupid some people became whenever they were away from home.
Why is it that when I try to merge with them, be part of "the gang", all I see is monkey-like creatures drinking themselves stupid and ending up either fighting for something even they can't remember, or puking their guts out in a dark alley...
Now I really wish I was a fish...!

I'm sorry for being so dark, but I needed to vent out my frustration. My next post should be as weird and wonderfully twisted as my earlier attempts at solving the mystery that is the strange sponge stuck between my three ears...

Until then,

Tata!