The little rock that could

Out of all the other rocks, this one had always been the top contender for 'Most likely to disrupt Everything!!!!'

Teenagers have a way to exaggerate things, especially when writing a year book quote.

But in this particular case, it was definitely not exaggerated. Other than the fact that every other rocks were simply... well, rocks, and therefore could not formulate a coherent thought (or write a year book quote for that matter), the statement was absolutely accurate.

You see, rocks generally don't do much. I know a few rocks that try very hard to be what they could never be, but their quest is quite hopeless, and they should focus on other things.

And then there is this little guy. Barely more than a kilogram, but already the fastest evolving entity in the history of the Universe. From an unorganised mass of random crystals, the vast amount of stored energy was liberated by a completely unprecedented event: a dove farted next to it.

Everyone knows that doves don't fart. I really want you to believe me when I tell you that I do not expect you to take this information as gospel. I absolutely realise how insane this sounds, but somehow you'll have to hop on this wild ride and follow me down this suffocating path leading to the disturbing truth. Wear a helmet.

So now not only do we have an evolved, thinking rock, but also a farting dove. This is going to be quite a lot to take in, so maybe go make yourself a nice cup of warm olive oil.

You'll need it to lubricate your mind and let the facts slide in effortlessly.

Let's tackle the weird one first. Gary (that's the doves' name) had way too many fajitas for lunch, and that Corona bucket was probably a tad much, too. Technically, he wasn't supposed to be in that day, and was actually covering for Julio, but as usual, that looser got pinched while trying to score some sweet bread off of some shady tourists. Julio could have called his wife, his lawyer, or even his cousin. But he had to call Gary, on his day off, of all things.
Gary, being the lovable pushover that he is, agreed to take Julios' shift at the plaza under the condition that he could have lunch first. This seemed like a reasonable request, and was promptly accepted.

After the fourth fajita, Gary thought that maybe a third Corona would be just the thing to get rid of that heartburn that had been growing for a while now. While not entirely satisfied by his solution, he still had to rush off to work if he didn't want to miss some valuable Instagram opportunities. On his way to the plaza, a strange boiling sensation started to brew in his stomach, and since this was the first time this ever happened to the species, he had absolutely no idea what was going on, or what to do at the moment. So with no further warning, a jet of nauseating gas escaped from his body, and totally engulfed a random rock that happened to be near his orifice.

Thankfully this happened far enough from his workplace for his co-workers not to notice, and therefore the only reason we know about dove farts is because this sentient rock can now tell us about it.

Didn't I say you should've worn a helmet?

I guess we have to address the main issue, though, haven't we? I'm not going to insult your intelligence and hope that you believe the fart directly influenced the rocks' atoms to somehow self-organise and develop complex pathways. That would be absurd.

No, what happened was much, much weirder. The fart did not alter, influence or bother the rock in any way. Rocks have no sense of smell, you see. However, hobos do, and the hobo that was passed out near the dove-sprayed rock did not care for the disturbance at all. In fact he was so upset that he thought the rock had produced that smell (Gary had already been gone for a few minutes by the time the hobo woke up), and furiously threw the rock against a passing ice cream vendors' bicycle. This act set in motion a series of events that eventually led the rock to reign over the known Universe.

Oh, you thought I was going to explain how a rock could eventually become a computer? Who do you think I am? Ray Kurzweil?? Just read his book...

The Singularity Is Near